it's always fair when you get to choose

My children, I fear, often tire of me telling them this. I have tried to raise them with the ability to see how actions are connected with consequences. For instance, if you choose to dawdle while cleaning your room, you may not have time to play with friends later. Or, if you choose to not eat your dinner, you opt out of dessert.

Funny how it's always harder to apply wise counsel to yourself.

This week I got to go visit with Wayne, my counselor, for an hour by myself. I love having a totally objective, non-judgmental, unrelated person to whom I can lay everything out on the table, so to speak. I wanted to talk about the anticipation of stress I feel as the holidays approach. It's rather a contradiction, because I look forward to this time of year and everything that goes with it, yet I almost get a pit in my stomach wondering how on earth I'll ever manage to pull everything together before Christmas Day. I always manage to do it somehow, but not without more than a fair bit of anxiety and stress along the way--something that seems out of place in a season that celebrates joy and peace.

In the course of our hour's conversation, I was reminded that my favorite parental slogan applies to me as well as to my kids. When I acknowledge that the things I do in preparation for the holidays--be it shopping, decorating, wrapping, baking, blogging, or whatever--are in fact deliberate choices on my part, I feel more in control. I like feeling in control, rather than like I'm on some crazy raft coursing madly down the white rapids, crashing against rocks and threatening to overturn at any moment (which is how I most often feel during this time of year).

Wayne also helped me to recognize that my talents are both "a blessing--and a curse" (in Monk's words--for all you fans of the TV show) and I realized that, while I can look to others in my family for support and help, I shouldn't expect them to feel as urgent about some things as I do.

Focusing on gratitude is another way I can change my perspective. For instance, instead of feeling stressed out because I have to get my mom's and my decorations up in the next two weeks (my sister Susan usually comes for Thanksgiving and does our mom's), I will be grateful that my aging parents are still here to celebrate another Christmas season and I will enjoy and appreciate the time I am given to spend with them.

I will not be a victim of my choices, but the director of them. Sounds rather dramatic, I know, and perhaps even silly in the context of Christmas preparations, but it was nevertheless a moment of clarity for me--one for which I am grateful.

day off

Work has been so slow of late that I didn't go in to the office today. I can't remember the last time I had morning time alone at home after the kids went to school. It was quite fabulous. I ironed while watching Rachel Ray--heavenly!

Later in the morning I had an appointment with the counselor/therapist Mark and I have been seeing off and on for the past couple of years. His name is Wayne Brown and I look forward to the time we spend with him--it feels like such a "safe" place to lay down my burdens and discuss them with an objective, insightful, and non-judgemental third party. (And thankfully, our insurance covers a good part of the cost).

Today I went alone for the first time and Wayne helped me sort through some of the emotions I've been experiencing since the change in our family dynamic (a.k.a. Charlotte and Emily both leaving home). He reassured me that the feelings I'm having are almost "textbook" in nature, but in saying so he didn't diminish them. Rather, he made me feel like at least I'm not a freak. He also said that many times, when there is a shift such as this in family dynamic, something that has been hovering the background will "bubble up"--a new problem or situation to deal with comes to fill the space that used to be taken. I'm not sure if that makes sense the way I put it, but it made sense to me when Wayne and I talked today. Interesting things to think about.

The not-so-good part of my day came later, when I found out that my Explorer needs new brakes and rotors. I hate spending money on boring things like rotors for a car that is fifteen years old. Unfortunately, the metal-on-metal grinding noise my car started making yesterday every time I brake is not something I can ignore.

Mark took my camera with him on his business trip to D.C., so I have no photo documentation this time. It's probably just as well, as Wayne may have thought me a little odd if I started snapping photos during our session.