tender mercies

As I resume the routines of my life, defining a new "normal" without the steadfast presence of my mother, I confess I have been somewhat daunted in approaching my first post-funeral blog post. Michelle, Jessie, Susan, Emily, Charlotte, and Claire have done so in ways that are at once moving and comforting. I find it a bit overwhelming, however, to try to recount and capture all of my feelings of the past two weeks so I have decided instead to focus on the "tender mercies" of the past two weeks--those gifts that the Lord has given me throughout this sad time to buoy me up and reaffirm that I am loved by Him and that He is mindful of my needs.

A few years ago (well, five to be exact) Elder Bednar gave a Conference talk I have never forgotten titled The Tender Mercies of the Lord. In it he quotes a scripture from the Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi 1:20:

"But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.” Elder Bednar goes on to say, ". . I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence."

Mother always said that gratitude was the least stressful emotion to experience, and I have found this to be instrumental in my grieving process. When I feel empty and sad I need only start listing the Tender Mercies shown me to feel better. Here are some with which I have been blessed over the past two weeks:

• Mother didn't linger with disability or suffer long. I know without doubt that this is the way she ultimately wanted to go.

• My birthday was just three days before her collapse. I spent the entire day with her, shopping, cooking, and doing the things we loved to do together. She made a German Chocolate cake that was nearly 6" tall--my favorite kind of cake and her best ever.

• She died in the Spring--Easter weekend to be exact, reminding us all of the gift of the Atonement and resurrection. I'm so grateful that my first months without her will be full of bright sunny days and budding life outside. I'm also glad to have several months of adjustment before I have to face my first-ever holiday season without her.

• I was out of town when she collapsed and went to the hospital. While this may not necessarily seem like a good thing, in retrospect I am so grateful that I was with my dear sister Susan when we got the news that she would not live. There was nothing I could have done (more than was already being done) to help or save her had I been here, and having the strength of my sister's love was such a comfort.

• Although we had no idea where one of my sisters has been living in the Denver area, we were able to locate her in time for her to see Mother before she died and to all be present at the time of Mother's death.

• I have friends who would do--and have done--anything I've asked or needed of them, at the time that I really needed it. I am incredibly humbled to be the recipient of so much compassionate service, so freely and lovingly given.

• The day Mother died in hospice care her nurse just happened to be one of my good friends from high school--someone who knew what a beautiful, gracious, and kind woman Mother was.

• I have always said that if either of my parents died tomorrow, my kids would have firmly-grounded memories of them as an everyday part of their lives. Because we have been privileged to live near my parents for the past 21 years, my children will carry many fond and happy memories of their Grandma.

• I have no regrets in my relationship with my mother.

• When Susan and I went to select flowers for the casket arrangement and luncheon tables, we were told we could come back the day before the service to pick out the luncheon flowers and glass containers. When we arrived to do so, no one had any idea what we were talking about and the wholesale part of the florist--the part we needed--was closed. Miraculously--and I mean miraculously--we got what we needed anyway.

• Mother was buried in a military cemetery (my Dad served in the Navy). The "graveside" service was actually held in a glassed-in pavilion and when it was over I felt somewhat disconcerted to drive off leaving my mother's casket behind. The funeral director drove us past the place where Mother's grave was being prepared so we would know where to look for it the next time we came. We parked for minute to note the location in the cemetery. As we sat in the car looking on, we noticed an arrangement of flowers being pulled out of the back of a black van parked near the newly-dug grave. They looked a lot like Mother's flowers, but no--we thought, that couldn't possibly be hers. Then workers pulled a beautiful pecan casket out of the van and placed it on the scaffolding above the grave. It was indeed Mother's casket and we got to see it being lowered into the ground. I have no idea how the arrival of Mother's casket to the graveside preceded ours, but it was a gift of closure and peace--to me, but especially to my father--to witness its descent into the newly-turned earth.

• As I sat down to begin writing this post this morning, I found this treat that had been left in my carry-on bag from my trip home from Philadelphia:

Again, quoting Elder Bednar:

"We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord’s tender mercies. The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live. When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance." (see 1 Ne. 1:20)

Today I give thanks for the Lord's tender mercies.

Conference Weekend highlights

For those of you who don't know what Conference Weekend is, it's The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints semi-annual broadcast from Salt Lake City, always held on the first weekends in April and October. There are five sessions total on Saturday and Sunday, two hours each, where our church leaders speak about everything from repentance to personal finance. I look forward to these two weekends each year as a time of personal revelation and growth, as well as a time of family tradition and togetherness. I always come away feeling motivated to be better than I am today, and feel an increased love and appreciation for my Savior Jesus Christ.

I also love the feeling of connected-ness (made up word?) I feel with the other 13 million members of my church, including my loved ones watching in faraway places. I love knowing that we're all hearing the same messages at the same time, having the Holy Spirit bear witness to us of the divinity of Jesus Christ and His love for us.

I can't wait to download the talks to my iPod. I didn't take notes because I was working on Easter sewing projects for Sarah and me (to be documented later). Going from memory--which at 46 isn't what it used to be--the messages that spoke to my heart are, in no particular order:

• Start where you are right now to become a better person. Start now.
• Worshipping in the temple with greater frequency and sincerity will bless me immeasurably.
• Learn to say, "We can't afford it."
• We are so blessed to have a living Prophet of God on the earth today, Thomas S. Monson.
• Don't be afraid of changes in life. Embrace them and work through them with the Savior at your side.
• Fear is the opposite of faith.
• We needn't fear the current climate of economic uncertainty. Hold steadfast to the truth, learn to live providently, and we'll get through it.
  
• Gospel principles remain constant and unchanging in a changing world. Standing firm by them is our sure hope for safety, peace, and happiness.
• It's always fair when you get to choose.
  

We had our traditional Donut Night on Saturday night, after the men's Priesthood session. I love seeing the men I love in their white shirts and ties. John changed out of his Sunday clothes before I could get his picture, and for some reason I didn't think to have him pose with his Dad and Grandpa for this post-Priesthood session shot. I love and appreciate the honorable Priesthood holders in my family and do not take for granted having this power in my home.

Mom decided that she felt well enough to help me make donuts at her house (she's the glazer, you know, but has been sick this past week). Since she's still coughing quite a bit, we didn't invite our usual crowd of friends.

If I do say so myself, it was one of our better batches!

We watched the Sunday afternoon session with my Mom and Dad at their house and had dinner together afterwards.

This photo is for Bella. Sorry honey, but we don't want "another dog." Even Grandpa has a soft spot for Moosey!

Until October, then.

2009 word of the year

Of the many fun and relaxing things we did together during the Christmas holiday, one of our favorites was looking at family scrapbooks together. I started scrapbooking in 1995, and although I haven't always kept up-to-date with my albums, I have compiled about a dozen or more books through the years. We loved looking through the collection, marveling at how much younger everyone was (myself included), how cute the kids were as babies and young children, and reminiscing about various celebrations, friends, houses, and projects that have been a part of our family life.

Inspired by many of your New Year's resolutions, I had been thinking about choosing a word of the year, as many of my blogger friends do. After some thought and consideration, I have chosen remember as my word for 2009. Though a fairly mundane word at first glance, I have come to find many layers of meaning for me. As I was reading my scriptures last night, here are a few things I thought about:

• Remember to recognize and do the most important things first.
• Remember the happy times and be rejuvenated by them.
• Remember and learn from mistakes and hard times.
• Remember to look at the "big picture" when working toward long-term goals.
• Remember the things I need to take with me each day before I go out the door.
• Remember to think of others--and let them know that I am.
• Remember and reflect upon my baptismal and temple covenants.
• Remember and give honor to my ancestors.
• Remember the sabbath day to keep it holy.
• Remember to reflect upon and acknowledge how I "have seen the hand of God reaching out to touch [me] or [my] family [each] day." (President Henry B. Eyring, Oct. '07 General Conference, "O Remember, Remember")
  
• Remember who I serve--my Savior, Jesus Christ.

And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.

Helaman 5: 12

My goal for 2009: Remember.

blind spot

I am grateful that I have never not wanted to attend church. This is not to say that there haven't been times when my motivation to attend comes more from simply "the strength of good habits" (as our bishop's good wife once aptly stated) rather than from the pure desire to sit through three hours of church. I am grateful to know, however, that the most important thing I do on Sunday is to partake of the sacrament, and that anything I gain beyond that is just icing on the cake.

Today I enjoyed icing on my cake.

Our Sacrament Meeting was the annual Primary program, which always proves not only sweet and inspiring, but also entertaining at times. The Sunbeam class, all lined up in the front, sang louder and with greater gusto than the entire rest of the Primary. They knew every word to every song. Sarah sang "Called to Serve" with the rest of the Senior Primary kids (not too many, in our ward) and I loved hearing her clear, sweet voice ringing with conviction.

In Sunday School we're discussing one of my favorite parts of The Book of Mormon, 3 Nephi when Christ appears to the Nephites. I really like our teacher--he is sincere, and unpretentiously real with a good sense of humor. We discussed 3 Nephi 18, where Christ tells the Nephites to "watch and pray and always." I noticed how many times the word "always" appears in this chapter--many. Interesting that it's always; not occasionally, when we have time, as needed, or at your convenience. ALWAYS. Our teacher, Brother Stamps, said that he thinks of Satan as being in our blind spot. We have to be mindful of his presence but not preoccupied with it. He said, "If I drove like this [head turned backwards looking over his shoulder toward his blind spot] all the time, I would crash." We have to keep our eyes focused on the road with an occasional glance at our blind spot to know what's there. He also reminded us that we can bind Satan with our righteousness. I not only love that imagery, but also the knowledge that what he said is true.

Finally, in Relief Society one of my favorite teachers taught from Elder Bednar's General Conference talk titled "Pray Always." She is a widow of nearly twenty years--one of the most cheerful people I know--and she always has meaningful experiences to share. Today she told us about a time when prayers for an ailing child were answered miraculously, and another time when the answer to her pleading prayers for her husband's life to be spared (he suffered from cancer) was that "Everything will be okay." At the time she assumed that meant that he would survive the cancer, but she now realizes that in fact, everything has been okay. Her prayers have been answered. I am reminded of something my mother often says, that sometimes the blessing comes in not being spared the trial but rather, in being given the strength to get through it.

How grateful I am to know that I have a Heavenly Father who has my best interest at heart and knows me--sometimes better than I do. How grateful I am today for the icing on my cake.