Mother's Day, sans Mother

I had been dreading today, Mother's Day, since the day my mother died a little over one month ago. It turns out it wasn't so bad after all. My church meetings were uplifting (as opposed to the sometimes guilt-inducing or overly-sentimental Mother's Day diatribes), and I spent the day with my family--including two of my sisters. After church we drove to Ft. Logan, the cemetery where Mother is buried. We weren't sure if her headstone would be up or not and were pleasantly surprised to find that it was.

Since the graves in Mother's section are all relatively new, they don't yet have sod. Hopefully it won't be long before they do. There is something inherently pleasing to me about the orderly rows of identical headstones in the military cemetery.

Susan arranged a beautiful bouquet of flowers we took to church for the chapel, then came home and rearranged them--from the tall glass vase they were in to a low basket--to decorate the grave (better for not tipping over, should a breeze come up). It was, without doubt, the most stylish arrangement in the entire cemetery and one Mother would definitely love.

My dad held up well today and said that he felt Mother's presence at the graveside. It was a peaceful, happy feeling.

Susan and Fred came from Pennsylvania for the weekend--that's a Mother's Day gift in itself! Susan and I spent Friday and Saturday going through Mother's clothing and personal affects, sorting piles for distribution to family members, friends, etc. There were a few tearful moments, but more laughter and smiles as we reminisced together.

Karen came out for the day (Sunday) and was delighted with the things she received from Mother's stylish bounty! One of the items Mother wanted her to have was her gold wedding band. Dad bought a chain for it so Karen can wear it now without waiting to have it sized.

Mother had designated me as the recipient of her diamond ring, a beautiful ring that to me symbolizes 65 years of committed, loving marriage. My Mother's Day gift was to have the jeweler solder it between my two wedding bands. If you look closely, you can see the ring on my finger in the photo below.

Susan brought along some water to give the arrangement one last drink before we left. (Yes, those are fresh limes in the arrangement!)

Mother's headstone sentiment is a fitting tribute to the live she lived and the way in which she loved us all: Charity Never Faileth.

Today I feel grateful to see my mother's legacy living on in the women in my life, and hopefully in me. I love you, Mom.

six for saturday

1) This is the laundry pile that greeted me this morning. My dryer can't quite keep up with the washer, so the entire process takes a bit longer. Now it's 7 p.m. and I'm not quite half-way through it (all of the white fluffy stuff on the floor is costume laundry from the show--yes, I realize the show closed over six weeks ago).

2) Sarah has another sore throat, not sure if it's strep, but I think her tonsils are going to have to come out. She has been getting sick about once every month or six weeks. This is the pile of Puffs left in her wake. I can't seem to convince her that she can use each tissue for more than one wipe of the nose.

3) We took the car in today for a pre-road-trip diagnostic check. Mark says it runs sluggish when accelerating. I think only men (at least in my family) can hear car noises; as long as it starts and the A/C works, I think everything's fine. It turns out it needs new spark plugs and the fuel lines flushed. Who knew?

I like our local mechanic, Dustin. He owns the Lube and Latte.

4) John went on a Boy Scout camp out last night. They hiked into the campsite with all of their gear. This is John before he left on Friday afternoon (note Sarah's paper chain bedroom door curtain in the background--her own design):

And this is where his stuff got dropped this afternoon before he crashed for a nap on his bed:

5) I savored the last piece of my birthday cake (it had been patiently waiting for me in the freezer) which was a little more emotional than usual since it was the last cake my mother ever made. If I had known that when I had written the description on the Ziplock bag I certainly would not have added the exclamation point!

6) My dad generously took us all to Red Robin for dinner tonight. He and Mom used to like to go there for fish and chips regularly. They would always share an order, finding it to be just the right amount.

Tonight I shared the order with him.

tender mercies

As I resume the routines of my life, defining a new "normal" without the steadfast presence of my mother, I confess I have been somewhat daunted in approaching my first post-funeral blog post. Michelle, Jessie, Susan, Emily, Charlotte, and Claire have done so in ways that are at once moving and comforting. I find it a bit overwhelming, however, to try to recount and capture all of my feelings of the past two weeks so I have decided instead to focus on the "tender mercies" of the past two weeks--those gifts that the Lord has given me throughout this sad time to buoy me up and reaffirm that I am loved by Him and that He is mindful of my needs.

A few years ago (well, five to be exact) Elder Bednar gave a Conference talk I have never forgotten titled The Tender Mercies of the Lord. In it he quotes a scripture from the Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi 1:20:

"But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.” Elder Bednar goes on to say, ". . I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence."

Mother always said that gratitude was the least stressful emotion to experience, and I have found this to be instrumental in my grieving process. When I feel empty and sad I need only start listing the Tender Mercies shown me to feel better. Here are some with which I have been blessed over the past two weeks:

• Mother didn't linger with disability or suffer long. I know without doubt that this is the way she ultimately wanted to go.

• My birthday was just three days before her collapse. I spent the entire day with her, shopping, cooking, and doing the things we loved to do together. She made a German Chocolate cake that was nearly 6" tall--my favorite kind of cake and her best ever.

• She died in the Spring--Easter weekend to be exact, reminding us all of the gift of the Atonement and resurrection. I'm so grateful that my first months without her will be full of bright sunny days and budding life outside. I'm also glad to have several months of adjustment before I have to face my first-ever holiday season without her.

• I was out of town when she collapsed and went to the hospital. While this may not necessarily seem like a good thing, in retrospect I am so grateful that I was with my dear sister Susan when we got the news that she would not live. There was nothing I could have done (more than was already being done) to help or save her had I been here, and having the strength of my sister's love was such a comfort.

• Although we had no idea where one of my sisters has been living in the Denver area, we were able to locate her in time for her to see Mother before she died and to all be present at the time of Mother's death.

• I have friends who would do--and have done--anything I've asked or needed of them, at the time that I really needed it. I am incredibly humbled to be the recipient of so much compassionate service, so freely and lovingly given.

• The day Mother died in hospice care her nurse just happened to be one of my good friends from high school--someone who knew what a beautiful, gracious, and kind woman Mother was.

• I have always said that if either of my parents died tomorrow, my kids would have firmly-grounded memories of them as an everyday part of their lives. Because we have been privileged to live near my parents for the past 21 years, my children will carry many fond and happy memories of their Grandma.

• I have no regrets in my relationship with my mother.

• When Susan and I went to select flowers for the casket arrangement and luncheon tables, we were told we could come back the day before the service to pick out the luncheon flowers and glass containers. When we arrived to do so, no one had any idea what we were talking about and the wholesale part of the florist--the part we needed--was closed. Miraculously--and I mean miraculously--we got what we needed anyway.

• Mother was buried in a military cemetery (my Dad served in the Navy). The "graveside" service was actually held in a glassed-in pavilion and when it was over I felt somewhat disconcerted to drive off leaving my mother's casket behind. The funeral director drove us past the place where Mother's grave was being prepared so we would know where to look for it the next time we came. We parked for minute to note the location in the cemetery. As we sat in the car looking on, we noticed an arrangement of flowers being pulled out of the back of a black van parked near the newly-dug grave. They looked a lot like Mother's flowers, but no--we thought, that couldn't possibly be hers. Then workers pulled a beautiful pecan casket out of the van and placed it on the scaffolding above the grave. It was indeed Mother's casket and we got to see it being lowered into the ground. I have no idea how the arrival of Mother's casket to the graveside preceded ours, but it was a gift of closure and peace--to me, but especially to my father--to witness its descent into the newly-turned earth.

• As I sat down to begin writing this post this morning, I found this treat that had been left in my carry-on bag from my trip home from Philadelphia:

Again, quoting Elder Bednar:

"We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord’s tender mercies. The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live. When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance." (see 1 Ne. 1:20)

Today I give thanks for the Lord's tender mercies.

Mother

remains of the day

It's nearing the end of another day and here's what I've got to show for it:

A bill from the plumber who came to unclog my laundry sink drain in the basement:

A sad end to one of my favorite pairs of everyday shoes (I guess I shouldn't be surprised, they are 11 years old). After sloshing through the Costco parking lot with a cart full of groceries in the rain I noticed that not only was my foot slightly damp, but the hem of my wide-leg pants was out and they were dragging in the slush as well.

When I chose to document the demise of my shoes I realized that they have been much more ratty looking than I realized, and that I probably should have retired them long ago.

Leakage onto the cuff of my blouse from the ground beef I bought at Costco (and are those really horrid age spots all over my arm? Perish the thought!):

Spattering of both mud and spaghetti sauce on my blouse and sweater. I had to make dinner in stages, in between running the kids to and from piano lessons, stopping by my mother's house to frost a cake for one of her neighbors, and picking up Mark from work. (Yes, having one car is really fun--at least it's a good one!) I know it looks like I'm pregnant, but I'm not. I've never taken a SP of my stomach before and I haven't mastered the most flattering angle.

My homemade spaghetti sauce that, due to the above-mentioned running in and out, bubbled over onto the stove and made for a messy clean-up. Thankfully, I had help. Truthfully, my family was so excited to actually have me cook a meal that the mess didn't seem so bad.

The rain turned into a violent snow storm (really-in a matter of 20 minutes or so). It continues to pile up and Sarah is hoping for a snow day tomorrow. Welcome to Colorado weather, Linda from California!

At least now I'm wearing stretchy pants and my favorite ratty old wool sweater (one I refuse to give up--despite its condition-- and decline to photograph any time soon.)

Edited to add: Sarah got her fondest wish granted! We just found out that all Jefferson County schools have been canceled for tomorrow.

spoiled, but not a brat

As the baby of my family I long ago came to the realization that it's okay to be spoiled as long as you're not a brat. This position in my family has worked well for me over the years, especially as the past 21 have found us living close to my parents.

Case in point: My Sundays of late find me busy and often exhausted by the end of the day. While we have always enjoyed eating Sunday dinner with my parents, over the past year our pattern has evolved into my mother planning and making dinner at her house with very little--if any--help from me. To fully appreciate this gift, you must understand that a "normal" Sunday dinner at my mom's house consists of a beautifully-set table (nicely-pressed cloth napkins, always), nothing from a box or a mix (everything is made from scratch, be it gravy, salad dressing, or rolls), and an ever-changing array of our favorite homemade desserts to top things off.

This afternoon I arrived at my Mother's house to find this inviting set-up:

We found this tablecloth at HomeGoods a month or so ago and knew it would be darling with Mom's lime green dishes.

Corned beef brisket with horseradish sauce was on today's menu, accompanied by boiled potatoes, cooked carrots, artisan "rustic" bread, and Winter salad. Ah--a pleasing menu, indeed! But wait--that's not all. Mother surprised me with my all-time most favorite incredible dessert--my manna, as it were: Homemade Chocolate Pie. A moment of silence, please, while you gaze at this enticing photo.

Fights have been known to break out over who gets the last piece for breakfast. Usually I win.

So, while I feel somewhat undeserving, as well as moderately guilty for not contributing more to these fine repasts, I can't deny that I look forward to our Sunday dinners. I feel pampered, cared for, and loved. In my parents' home, surrounding the dinner table, I feel safe. I come away with a feeling of peace and reassurance that, though the coming week may be hectic and sometimes feel out of control, I always have this safe place to which I can return. And sometimes there's a chocolate pie waiting for me in the refrigerator.

Thanks, Mom.

a case against predictive texting

Last weekend was our Stake Conference and Mark, as the Stake Clerk, was at the church from about 3:30 p.m. - 9:30 p.m. I received a text message from him shortly before the 7 p.m. leadership session asking if I would please bring him something to eat, as he hadn't eaten all day and was famished. Having just ordered pizza for the kids, I quickly snatched the last few pieces and put them in a Ziplock bag, found an empty Target sack and added an apple, a granola bar, and a bottle of water to complete the feast.

Arriving at the church just minutes before the meeting was about to begin, and not knowing where Mark was, I decided I would hang the "bag of eats" on the door of the clerks' office for him to retrieve when he could. I stood in the foyer and hurriedly sent him a text message to alert him of the drop-off.

Thank goodness I proofread my message before hitting the send button, or Mark would surely have been confused!

Almost a week later I'm still chuckling every time I think of it.